I finally finished one of my largest pieces (48″ x 24″) of work to date, a multi-media arrangement with various hand prints and cut paper, and instead of feeling satisfaction, I feel dread. Ugh! I do NOT like this thing at all.

Honestly, I haven’t liked it for quite some time. I was all over the place with technique and materials, and I never really had a vision. But I usually don’t have a vision, so perhaps that’s not quite it. It’s that I never felt connected with it – there was no underlying energy making its way to the surface. But I kept going, because I was supposed to, because I wanted to finish a piece (even though I finished a few other small ones in the meantime), because the intention was to “play” and let the work “emerge” on its own.

Unintentionally merging all of those things – play, practicing technique, practicing with materials, pushing forward without vision or energy – resulted in one confused piece.

One reason I don’t like it: it doesn’t feel like ME. I resonate with most of the other work that I’ve been doing, the blueprint piece, the red hand, etc. With this piece, it feels like I am trying to be someone else.

Which leads to the other reason I don’t like it: I’m pretty self-critical, which has no place here. While the criticism is probably justified, in that it is true that this piece just doesn’t work, it is also true that it’s time to let it go. I don’t like it, end of story, so move on and try again. I’m learning to listen to my creative voice, using different receptors, and it takes patience. I know that all of our fearless leaders have gone this route – observe, reflect, learn, integrate, … repeat.

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